‘To Remember Is Painful To Forget Is Impossible’

pregnancy plannerPart 1 : In the Beginning

Women all around the world are trying to get pregnant, are pregnant, are giving birth and are losing babies. The current Australian statistics on pregnancy loss go something like this: one in four women (25%) will have a pregnancy that results in a miscarriage. If you reach a 3-6 month gestation in your pregnancy there is only a 10% chance of a miscarriage occurring and beyond 6 months it goes down to 5%. In my first pregnancy I lost my baby at 4 months. Once you have had one miscarriage your risk of another increases by 13%. And after my second miscarriage at almost 41/2 months gestation the chances of a third miscarriage increased to 40%. After I miscarried my third child I went into a fourth pregnancy with a 60% chance of miscarriage. No wonder we consider our daughter a miracle.

Between 2003 and 2006 I had one baby every year. I held all four of them, kissed them and loved them with all of my heart. The first three babies were boys, in order Elijah, Max and Drew and the fourth was a girl, she was born slightly premature and we named her Poppy and what a delight she has been to our heart and soul. We have not attempted anymore pregnancies since the birth of our daughter.

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I experienced an emotion that I had never had before to that degree. It was a pure, beautiful and innocent joy. I ordered a dozen roses and had them delivered to my husband at work with a little card that read ‘we’re having a baby’. When a pregnancy is wanted and anticipated there is great celebration in the heart of the parents, the closeness they feel with each other at the news is beyond explanation.

The journey from that moment on is filled with awe and wonder at the engineering feats the body undertakes to physiologically see this thing come to pass. There are also many decisions that now need to be made involving living arrangements, baby names, financial planning, do you find out the sex of the baby and on and on. My mum is not a lovey dovey maternal mother but I so just wanted to move into her house and sleep right next to her. The desire to return to the ‘nest’ becomes overwhelming.

As the pregnancy gains strength one of the key indicators that things are going well is that the production of a hormone known as HCG increases. Unfortunately it is also the culprit behind ‘morning sickness’. During my four pregnancies John used to say that it was called ‘morning sickness’ because that’s when it starts – in the morning. From about 6 weeks onwards I was horribly, brutally sick all day, every day. I just vomited and vomited and vomited all the time. ALL the time. I would vomit for so long in one sitting that I would not be able to breathe. I would be vomiting into a bucket almost passing out because my body was starving for oxygen and in danger of suffocating. I would then start to panic. This would then cause my throat to close making the passage for vomit and also the possibility of getting any oxygen even harder. I remember having to calm myself down by ‘reeling in the panic’. I would picture myself standing a dock reeling in a huge fish, as if it was my panic. I would let the fish run out and then wind it back in until my throat started to relax and I could take these tiny gasps of air in and around the vomit coming up. Little by little I would calm myself down until I was breathing normally again. I would often have my life ‘flash’ before me at these moments but I was determined not to die vomiting. I had heard of this website that was all about the dumb ways people die. I was not going to be on that. NO WAY. Fancy that, ‘dumb ways to diiiieee, so many dumb ways to die….sitting on toilet seat choking on vomit up to my feet… dumb ways to diiieee.’. If you are not Australian you may not know that this is a very popular little you tube clip song. Here’s the link…beware you can never totally remove this song from your head.

To be continued…in Part 2: Elijah James Warren

Maybe you know someone who has experienced a painful miscarriage and you didn’t know what to say to them or sadly that person is you. This mini series on Pregnancy Loss is for you or that person you know. It is not just about a journey into the dark night of the soul but also about the hope and comfort that can be found through God no matter how bad it gets.

Here is the link to this blog post for you to copy and paste to that friend you’re thinking of:


Over and Out,

Catherine xoxoxo

2 Comments to “‘To Remember Is Painful To Forget Is Impossible’”

  1. Catherine and John, I remember so well your pain. Reading this has me in tears. There is barely a week go pass where I don’t think of you all. Love always, Marlise xoxo

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